Laying the Ground Work Still

We have a lot of ground to cover. The perimeter stretches only so far. Taller than pair of slippers on your feet, staked up silly looking. Clear view of every side, from the other side, as long as the eye, can see. How easily crossed my wall are. By the casual stroller. With a lot worst than, no concern. My existence, naturally ignored. They say if you drop a penny from a high enough height. Terminal velocity results in death. I tossed myself, like a penny wanting to make an impact on life, falling face first eyes open. Hard to believe you didn’t see me coming, more complications not a single beat was skipped. We both know what this is, yet the only one left feeling, is me. I get the sense you’ve seen pennies fall out of the sky all the time. Not even your hair moved, from the wind displacement. I bet if the whole world was on fire, you’d stride through it without getting burned, unconcern with everything other than yourself.

Where did the fire come from, me, I burned this shit easily. Many practice sessions of yesteryear, set myself up for destruction. Simply because I don’t want to be here. In a position where none, notice me. This, before actually realization of being ignored. They went up the street, dolphin dived into the mud to catch a dime. How jealous of its slim shininess I would be, if I took the time out to actually see. Instinctively an enemy, whenever I decide, second nature be damned. That’s the kind me. The line to cross me built with no obstacles, a trap disguised as an invite. Please come find, seen all the time, me in the middle visible, ready for war. Like a net to catch fish, the perimeter stretches. Worked a long time, pretty impressive complete plication of anything else that stands tall in my space. Not willing to see face to face.

lots of enemies, before they even cross my line, I can still lots of people in my periphery. Impatiently waiting to attack. Set life up with many opportunities, claim they jumped on me, first. Should have built the walls higher, that way its a lot of work if you want to cross me. Run, jump and climb first three steps then ten more obstacles before you reach me. Heck even saw me, in this scenario, all this effort put in to “get to me”, before you even knew it was me. Safely I can say, you went out your way to fight, no concern for who it might be. Same can be said for me. I went out the way to allow others to upset me so easily. Who am I to decided everyone who walks past will know me. No if’s and’s or but’s, not dependent on luck, Constant cycle of trying to prove my worth, I was stuck.

via Daily Prompt: Complication

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You, Me, ohh and Money

Ever walked into a packed room and saw people doing a whole lot of nothing. Simply taking up the atmosphere, it’s a fancy place. Never a waste, people live at their own pace. I just feel we are experts, turn nothing in something. Money the root of all evil. Turned something into nothing. I refused to see the magic of society, constantly focused to be upset, by how tangible people, places and things are treated. Substituted by the inherently meaningless. No complaints, meaning is formed by whoever is seeing it. Safe to say we all see eye to eye.

Get money to buy things. Why not other other way around. I don’t know, really just going after what we want indirectly. Artificial steps added to an already paved road. Thanks to technology life got easy, years ago. I just find it silly people still die from hunger. Just eat some food, way too much, left to rot. Fed back to the ground. Owned by somebody else, only allowed to stand with consent.

The amount of money spent to live like a Shih zu, rents due. Never thought I’ll be jealous of the cars in the dealer ship, a couple of next doors, down. At night the indoor garage is heated. Rightfully conceited, how dare something be more important than me. Almost forget to mention, a couple of food safety lessons. If the animals get sick, you shouldn’t eat it too. What’s the point in bringing it up now, I’m healthy as a horse. Never really had dreams of being one too.

Luxurious dreams that once seems like magic, now mundane, comes true. Money can change our perspective, force it onto reality. Beatification of the struggle and process. Old and broke becomes new. Time and investment a joke, say it with your chest lil punk. If I needed toilet paper, buy it from across the world, have it by tomorrow ? You guessed it. Never leave it up to the magician to tell their secrets. I don’t feel as special when you can do it too.

Not as mystical, smoke and mirrors seen. Fake this whole time, yet still treated like shit for being real. Paid for by, more tears than blood. The books you sold. No value they hold, In a single sentence. No plans to share with others. Everything about what you said, meant to be brought and sold. Pissed off, volumes one through ten, discarded them. Return my idols and hero’s , no longer do I see them on the shelf. Tv, billboards, soda cans and social media apps. I don’t like the word proxy, let’s call it a trap. Not even a shadow’s, shadow of your former self.

Painted the future me, on the bottom of my shoe So, the world can feel it too. Stuck between a rock and a hard place because I never moved. According to society, people like me, aren’t meant to be part of the magic crew. Too much smoke, it hurts when I breathe, to many mirrors, all the issues I’m faced with, look just like me. Did, the Chicken or egg come first. Too many theories and possibilities, no one cares what you believe. Glass have empty or full still judge for what you choose to believe.

Today’s society, expertly Ill conceived. Check the dichotomy, seeing is believing. Years before my grandparents were born, I’m diagnosed with asthma. Regularly struggling to breathe, too much to deal with. Not caring to see.

Written for the Future meant for the Past

Turn off the lights, to be dramatic and then some. Honestly So I can never get caught, on camera, you have me mistaken, for someone else. Eyes, no longer on me finally easing up, to relax. From my concerns I detract, in my minds construct, waits a voice message for me. Still not ready to picture the reality, laying there waiting for me. Volume playing real low, the value not turned up enough, more so unconcerned. However, every time you hit, I lose an eardrum. Both my thumbs, stuck in to save them, rolling around on the floor. More bruises, didn’t matter to me. Even in the dark, run to pick up the pieces of yourself. Unexpected melody, causing me to react, always unable to respond. How am I supposed to jump back 700 meters, if you launch a glass shattering scream, in moments notice. This is a voice message, the duration unknown. Not even really communicating, patiently waiting to get all the information. Usually when stuck somewhere, here until ready, done dealing with whatever this is. Imagine running out the house after you took a bite of spaghetti. Second time, half the spaghetti connected to the plate, you heard a loud out a thump and laugh. Grandma screamed from the bad fall.

Refusing to see the signs, I contemplate my own meaning to the messages. A new perspective, one without really seeing. I’ve heard enough what more do I need. Really, what more can I take. I may not be the greatest music fan. Heck I don’t remember the last time I changed what I ate. Sometimes I find myself wanting something, when asked why, I can’t even speak. Everything is everything to me, this new discover, that’s what I’m hoping you’ll be. Unsatisfied with knowing only parts, out of your body I’ll kick you and forcefully try to become you. A minor dance with obsession, unless all in, you’ll never learn your lesson. Forgive me, that’s how I show how much something means to me. Everything I care about, carefully chosen. Only as great as the things that hold me together. Therefore everything is a miracle to me.

Blaming you is the first step, in knowing more of me too. Interestingly enough looking at, maybe, all I really did was project emotions on to you. Picture this, the sun smiling at me to brighten my day. Me claiming that to be fact, based on the assumption. Only things that love me brighten my day, when the sun isn’t up I’m not as happy. Always showing up when, feeling crappy. One day I got mad at the sun. Where, did you leave me to ? The day wasn’t quite the same without you. I couldn’t walk around proud too, knowing that you were always there when needed. This time, gone without so much as an indication. The only thing I went crazy for back tracking, how’d I go wrong, is my wallet. Credit card, ID, Social Security, Family photo and birth certificate found in different street corners. Honestly not, even wanting to being to understand. In a hurry to move on.

Please tell me something, after all this time nothing. Days have moved on. many replies still need from you. The one time I was hoping for no light. The sun creeps into the room. Funny, specifically made a deal with fate, not to see you today. Now you actively disregard my wishes. My mind fills in the blanks, your silence submissive. If you had a neck, choke hold position. Too bad you can’t talk.

If you can’t talk, I’ll talk for you. Accountable for my happiness, I’ll hold you. Granted you are only doing what’s natural to you, that I couldn’t see. When it comes to whats most important in life, it had to be me. You wanted, deserve, everything I wanted and then some because, you at least, still wanted me to be me. Not apologize for what I can’t see, I’ll make it up to you. Only when realized, I refused to see. Proud that I’m willing to make a future compromise. The real cause of the lights, a power outage. Open the curtain, finally comfortable alone. No longer fixated on the past. I knew it. Without light, I wasn’t thinking like me.

Words That Sit too close

No body is better….

In my hand, the object to my demise. Careful disguised as a luxury. Still kinda want it, even if I see it coming. ” Too much of anything is bad for you”. Words, only said, after you’re done being happy with it. I look forward to the experience, like a deep inhale. Never to stop breathing. Damaging parts of myself without regulation, regularly associating what was found, as my handy work. didn’t go deeper than pure speculation. How could I possibly, be the culprit, this is my home, let alone, without realizing it. Pain seemingly the product of action or inaction, outcome still the same. In my other hand, the object to my affection. Everything I ever wanted in life, detailed plans to reach my goals. Always mistakenly using the other, achieving the opposite effect, reversal of my role. Throwing myself down, while claiming to pick me up. Destroy everything around me, that’s how I show love.

Only when talking do I search, frantically scanning around  for reactions. Reassurance, I’m acting right or I know people like what I’m saying. Careful chosen everything I say, slightly wrong reactions, throw’s future thoughts into dismay. As it turns out, I didn’t really want to cut my hair. Change my outfit, listen to you complain. Come home to find my food eaten. Go to the store, wait an extra 45 mins for you. The fact is I did. Now the one showing me is you, persistent questions, turn deep reflection. Not getting the chance to realize, I have a problem with this, alone slight aggravation. Imagine you asked me to come over, knowing I don’t feel well. At the house now, found you in bed and sick too. Asked me to take care of you, cook, clean, organized and prepared the food. Said you would do the same thing for me, if the tables were flipped, to my feelings don’t be rude.

Reality misconstrued. Turns out, to me you were being rude. Tables turns along with you. Not once, did you imagine having to take care of me. When I turned extra sick too. Called at least 5 times, to your voice mail, it never went through.  More upset, that I even called, you made sure your distaste was heard. Doubting my sanity, to you, what I asked, absurd. How I found myself, so eager to shake anothers hand. Whatever object they put out, put the opposite hand. Opposites attract, fixated on what others want, played the part. No definition safe enough for my to dawn the “opposing force”. No self-respect worthy enough for me to fight for, when easy busied. Healing can’t possible by that traumatic. knowledge I get, when laughing looking back at it. Willingly let people show, how you should treat them too.

..read as “me” or “you”

Conversations With Our Backs Turned

Surprisingly enough, every word was heard during the effective communication. Facing opposite directions, no mirror to see each other in the reflection. We move father apart, each step louder than the last. Only in the sense that, they cover up what you are saying. Muddle’s it, with a chord progression. The sounds I make, music to my ears while, yours, I barely hear. We all know what it feels likes, talking face to face. The neurons that fire in your brain when eye contact is made. knowing someone is listening, paying undivided attention. Unlike other forms of communications such as over the phone, text message or writing. Always found misunderstands form so easily. Without the body language or other puzzle pieces used to form the entire spectrum of human communication. Some meanings and messages go over our heads.

Without the smile to the voice, it’s easier for me to take this joke as an insult. The text message reads a bit hollow. If only I could hear the enthusiasm in your voice, I’ll be more incline to believe. Really just asking for much, My mind settles down, when it finally get what it needs. Tired of searching in the forest for a single tree. Personal experiences above all, how often do we even get to see each other. The world our rival, we move faster than it, never to slip or get caught up in anything for longer, lest our other priorities be neglected. Even when I don’t look busy, my mind is still infected, what should I be doing next.

A lot more comfortable, disengaging at a moments notice, the middle man at fault. I’ve been giving full attention and focus. Plus we are both busy, you know this ,talking only while our bathroom breaks, match up. Standing in the same room, can’t even see you walking away, to busying doing the same. Appreciate no matter how far we get, connected by the sound of the conversation. Literal background noise. Glad, easily picking you out from all the other noises and distractions. Message received like the lone tree found in the forest.

via Daily Prompt: Forest

A bit too quiet

Only funny after the fact. Therefore we laugh right after. Wouldn’t dare to turn this situation worst. In the air you can almost feel the thirst, for blood. In the background a scream too. Right now I feel like a child again. My brothers and I broke something important in the house. Mommy, just so happen to be close enough to hear it go down. Literally red handed, we are torn between fight or flight. Knowing either, helps fuel her fire. A fire itching to burn, even before she’s learned, what’s truly happened.

How do you explain the seconds in life that change everything. The entire time we played around with the center table in mind. If anything we did a little too much. Jumping over and under it. Water gun battle in the house, who cares about carpet really ?

Only a play fight, when the pain is imaginary. Mommy is sleeping, so make sure not to yell, too loud. Can’t watch tv, no choice but too, use creativity to play . The floor wasn’t lava an hour ago, it can sure as hell burn us now. Wow you actually sneezed and bumped into the center table. Domino effect, the pictures and the last memory of grandma torn by glass.

Who Are You Talking to

Music an external force, that is instinctively understood.
Rap speaks directly to my Id
rhythmic poetry
Sound patterns
fiercely launched into my being, shhh
Talking carelessly, the message surely to be lost.

Complex feelings distilled into short burst, rapidly heard.
Turmoil slowly rediscovered, fixed soon after
Cry now
Laugh only
When road to recover is finally found
Emotions uncontrollable, hanging on, boats on the rapids

via Daily Prompt: Rapid

Let Me Ask For Help

Feeling lost in my body

Too many answers, too many directions. Knowing where you are and where you want to go, lead me to this feeling. Too many options with promises just as good as the last. Hard to say yes to one, while saying no to all. Before I ask for anything, give first the motto. At first ran into issues, it was too clear I wanted something in return. Now once the other person is satisfied if they look to help out after. I no longer care, the goal is to show appreciation. The entire world will not always willingly accept your gifts.

looking for advice on how to operate in this life, those with more time spent living, should know right. Double my age, most likely been lost at least twice. The foundation you’ve set on shifting sand, has not moved, even slightly. Not looking for guidance to the light at the end of the tunnel, wishing to hear about your experience reaching, the light. It blinds me more than the shadows I’m surround by. More comfortable here, where visibility is unclear. At least we know what we are dealing with. So we ask

“How was your day ?”

The response is always, more or less the same.

Since I’ve been born, nothing has been simple. Only thing given to me is punishment for wanting things, easy. Is the second to last word I learned, right after unfair. No control over anything, definitely not, how I feel about it. This body borrowed, belonging to faces never seen, whose words burn, a profound effect on me. Slight nudges here and their on who we should be and how we should act. Becoming more violent as we grow up. An Adult needs to be able to take this. Going out everyday to submit to the pain, for myself, I will make a name.

Didn’t ask to be here. Sure as hell not leaving, we all have equal claim to the ground we stand on. Which continues to exist, regardless if we are present or non-extinct. Deepening our agony, whoever came before made it like this. Everyday a drop in the bucket, that isn’t close to filled. “Tomorrow” an abstract concept, once I get their, then I’ll deal with it. Lost, irritated, tired , hopeful, numb, mindful, resentful, patient, downtrodden, uplifted and content. Aren’t the right words but, together they form meaning. All out war with life ever since, I started taking care of myself. Day by day I lose pieces, unable to take a break, caring for myself. An upper hand chance, life is more than willing to take.

Shame sets in. My bad day, doesn’t seem as bad anymore. Juxtaposed  to a real problem. Feeling better, not from knowing it’s a part of life, you’ll get through it. No, someone has it worst. Only reason you know now, you stopped complaining and took the time to ask.

Let’s complain tomorrow instead

Please show me the Exist

I want out
Don’t want to hear
Simply can’t care too
Woke this morning
fully prepared too

Now in the moment
I shouldn’t be near
you anymore
Than this feeling

Your actions revealing
Words deceiving
Me no longer
inclined to believe

all of a sudden
you’re to easy
to read
Flaunting animosity

Fla
ws my eyes
lock onto
Until we become
more alike

You and I
moving in spite

via Daily Prompt: Flaunt

Can’t Say I’m Tired

Counted that same sheep, enough times for my birthday to passed twice. Only the number changes while the feeling stays the same. Time constantly hyper active, never setting down. Hard to allow a smile to turn around when everything and everyone is stuck in a forward motion. Running too fast, sweat falls off forming a shallow stream. Never to pool, unlikely to find yourself drowning in an ocean. Especially one of your own sweat, distilled purely by working hard to progress. Staying ahead hoping, we don’t suffocate in the stress.

If you meet me, assume I don’t like to breathe, with the way I pick a topic and never leave. Deep sea diver with nothing to achieve, everything to believe. Under pressure hoping to squeeze the truth out of, me and the situation. Came to be, my idea of “tomorrow”, despite the lack of belief in destiny. When lost, a problem can never be clear to you. Other people as birds, what they see can never be the same as me. Are you familiar with that feeling of being told the same response, over. Writing a new story of your life, one where you no longer get a response at all. Too busy not telling anyone, trouble always finds its way to the forefront of the conversation. I don’t have a problem, didn’t even say shit.

Constantly bringing it up is not another way to face it. I want control, bringing it up is the way to replace it. To myself, I saw this. What reasons do you have to, beat your reflection. Discarded into isolation step one, before punishment. History isn’t the future, yet that’s how you treat it. Learn to accept a new day, change with it. Open to failure is the road we call “success”. People are out there willing to listen. Just do your best irregardless of who or what. When, how or why they contest.

Started Yawning 

Stop Me, I know What I’m Doing

We’ve all smiled before, in some resemblance of the feeling, felt happy. As much as I want it for myself, I want it for others as well. Only those closest to me. Everyone isn’t as deserving of happiness. Even me, at times wonder how can, I make the people I care about happy or express in certain terms, how much I care. Seems as if, smiling and what does it mean to smile don’t go hand in hand.

Letting go of my perceptions of the two, after the incident, they no longer hold true. Without direction wondering, lost in my my mind, desperately trying to find the error in my way. Hoping that the cause of it all, isn’t me. Paving my path. Walking backwards into history. You always had a way of making me feel good about life. Not even trying too, more so focused on the outcome of your day. Ended up sticking my nose where kids shouldn’t play. Growing out of my shell, conceitedly thinking I’m doing well. Reciprocity, name of the tunnel I viewed you, in my goal.

To make you feel how, I want you to feel. Happy for as long as you saw fit, just didn’t sit right with me. Unlike the choices you make, never intending to effect anyone. What was transpiring here, solely to effect you. Isn’t that how it works. Gift delivered, smile received, all according to plan. All of the green jelly beans taken care of, hopefully you notice but, don’t overtly acknowledge my hard work. That would be weird, say some shit like

“wow, no green jelly beans, I must be lucky.”

Mind you, it need’s to be subtly and understood by me, for this to work. Hard not to stare expecting something. First store sold them in packets, open the pack, more green than anything. After that waste, went farther to the market. Card declined, the purchase of jelly beans before seemed suspicious to the bank. Standing so long on line, had emotional control unreliant. Put it on credit, card limit forget it. Only after I feel credited. So you see didn’t go through all this trouble “cuz” of me. Best believe from you, I don’t need, nothing. A little something for my troubles, no need for you to allow me to take anything. A smile is all I ask. No appreciation, found in every part of the interaction. Smiled only because, you where laughing.

TV is on, what a distraction from what I’ve done. Angry at me for acting dumb when asked, something is wrong. Never meant anything to me, stop fishing where the fish is absent. Finally feeling the difference, obsessive recollection, highlighted my hubris. Too much of me found in, what is supposed to be done for you. Not getting it, your decisions are all you too. Although excessive amounts of the need to appease you, still not found. I question everything known to me. One step short of questioning myself.

Never actually liking you. Chasing the feel good. Upset that for you, so much done with purpose, while for me. I felt good as a by product. Where is the difference between the two, let me spell it. No appreciations for what I went through, blessing not intended for me still a blessing received. Accept this now or at least pretend to be happy for me. Clearly deserve, continually served disappointment. Stop for a second and actually think, leave the center, place me at the top of your world. A fraction of what I truly want too ask. Not much from you.

All about me, no longer about you 

Still Seeking Validation

via Daily Prompt: Abrupt

Not Stopping for anyone

I fulfill that need by looking for validation not with myself or others. First abruptly, I look for validation with my actions. I can’t feel good about myself if I can’t even, do, say or act how I feel or want. Already eating right before I feel hungry.   Through learning what I want from life, so to does validation come. knowing you don’t like vegetables and knowing why, you don’t want to like vegetables are distinctly different. Others will let me know how they feel about me, irregardless of if I care. It’s apart of your environment, picking and choosing what you care about while ultimately, everything effects you. My job I feel, is to pick and choose from the feedback. Most people say I’m kind and sweet, that fine, I guess I’m not hurting anyone. I don’t particularly want to be seen as kind or sweet, making changes to my behavior in the way I deem fit. After figuring out what about my behavior makes them feel that way.  People seem to get upset at me often. Who cares. I am literally looking to piss those people off. Question is, am I willing to deal with constant confrontation.